and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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