my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
