I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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