Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
