I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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