There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
