i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
