I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
