I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
