i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
