Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
