when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
