If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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