After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize