My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
me + whiskey = a bad person
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
