sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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