Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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