Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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