party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
