Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My bed smells like the plague
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
