just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
