I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
