I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
