Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
