I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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