He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
