is your mom at the bar?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize