Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
