I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
