I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
