If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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