i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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