the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
