I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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