Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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