Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
