Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
God, I missed his penis.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
