She said her name was "party"
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
