how can u be prego again
This girl is more easily done than said...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
