It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
