In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
