I met the friendliest cop last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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