I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
