well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
