So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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