trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize