i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
