how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize