i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
