Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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