my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
