you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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