____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Acid is not a monday night drug
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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