I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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