doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
