I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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