I just pynch a tree in the face
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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