is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
