Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
