There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
