She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
